All I feel right now is nausea. I just want to crawl in my bed and die. Somehow I still feel like if I do that, it'll just get worse. I'll probably have to throw up sometime tonight/early tomorrow. I hate this stupid sickness. I hate it. I just wish I could be like the majority of other people. I wish it wasn't genetic. I just...want it to be done and over. Coupled with my fear of pregnancy, this isn't looking so hot, speaking of which, I might have a fever right now. I'm starting to heat up. I can't stand this. I just want someone to hold me and take care of me. I feel sick and unhappy. 13 is not a lucky number. I hope his day went better. And I hope he knows it's the end of February, and cops are always on the lookout to catch up on their quota. It happened here, so it has to be happening all over. I'm sorry it had to happen to him other than someone more convienent, but that's just how things work sometimes. I might elaborate more on my day today tomorrow, but I just don't feel up to it. I had planned on getting in the shower right now to see if it would ease the suffering, but my sister just jumped in the bathroom. Joy.
I still love you (even if I might be throwing up; take it gross or not),
MC
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Day 12
So…I think overall, today was half and half.
Mother woke me up around 8 to go to Wal-Mart/JCP…basically to do some shopping and to get my hair cut. The waking-up-at-8 part didn’t make me very happy but I figured people had it worse off than me so I just sucked it up and got ready. I attempted to do my hair but of course, nothing could be done. I put on my fearless pants that made me look like a stoner/hippie/hooligan and walked out my bedroom door. At JCP I saw all the brightly colored prom dresses, and thought, “Hey, I probably won’t be going to prom this year. No one in the whole school wants to go with me that the feeling is mutual or I’m too chicken and lacking self-confidence to ask anyone I consider out of my league. This is the majority of people”. So I just scoffed at the neon infested dresses and told myself I would never wear hot pink again. More or less that day was why I have begun my hatred of the color. Moving on, my haircut at Wal-Mart has proved a giant success…once I got home and re-fixed it myself. I seem to do that after about every haircut I get. I felt better after that because I like the special attention I get from the hairdresser, even though I’m sure they don’t like working with my hair that much.
We got home around 11 and I changed outfits like 3 times before I could even remotely decide what to wear to Beth’s party. One made my bulge rear its ugly head and the other had already been debuted at another party. I went a little unconventional and when I got there and stepped in the door, no one said anything. No one noticed or cared about the haircut or my odd outfit. Oh well, that’s not the interesting part.
The car conversations to and from Beth’s house were the more or less juicy parts. My mother still fears I am pregnant. She even flat out told me, “Tell me when you get your period so I can stop worrying about you”. And she was freaking out about the fact that Chris might be at Beth’s party, which is totally ludicrous. Beth and Chris just don’t mix that well, sort of like oil and water. But of course, my mother’s trust is something I don’t possess, so I endure all the backbiting and ruthlessness. It’s like something keeps reminding her of my mistakes, and she keeps reminding me, and I continue to feel like shit. Every car ride I’ve had today after Beth’s party, I’ve cried. It was getting ridiculous…but the second less dramatic/traumatic episode was more of happiness and thankfulness I guess. The same song played both times I was in the car. It had to be Him. It was “Forgiven” by Sanctus Real. And I can’t believe how it spoke to me…it made me feel so much better, even when my mother was putting me down. Then after that played on the happier cry, there was another song right after it, talking about how God knows about what’s going to happen to us even when we’re precious little children, blissfully unaware. It said something along the lines of “storms will rage and waves will crash around, but you will be safe, in My arms”. And these images began to flood my mind of God just crying…like in absolute despair. And when I wanted to know the cause of such a thing, I saw myself clawing my way out of His arms when all He wanted to do was hold me and keep me safe. It broke me, and I just couldn’t keep myself from tearing and choking up. It’s beautiful…
I went to Hobby Lobby to venture out for the face paint for our show. I only got some prototypes because I’m afraid it won’t work…and or the colors won’t be right. I also got some beads, including one glass pendant with a brightly colored blue flower on the inside. I hope that works out well. I’m not sure if I have the right sort of beads to complement it, or I could just go plain, but I would hope she wouldn’t like that so much. If she’s anything like I think she is, she’s a bit on the less simple side.
Shrimp with penne glazed with white wine sauce with asparagus and cherry tomatoes. I know one of you is really grossed out right now, and the tomatoes tasted a little fake considering they came out of a frozen food bag. Part of it got stuck in my teeth at one time and I was a little freaked out. I’m finishing up my evening with Julie & Julia which is turning out to be pretty cute.
I had a dream last night…Jeserae tried to sell us out to my mother, in the middle of some huge forest at a church camp/retreat. I remember standing in a drive-thru as well. It was odd babe, let me tell you.
Well I must get downstairs to avoid my mother figuring out this isn’t my anatomy project which is due quite soon. Friday to be exact. Oh dear.
I love you Christopher Michael Parker,
MC
Mother woke me up around 8 to go to Wal-Mart/JCP…basically to do some shopping and to get my hair cut. The waking-up-at-8 part didn’t make me very happy but I figured people had it worse off than me so I just sucked it up and got ready. I attempted to do my hair but of course, nothing could be done. I put on my fearless pants that made me look like a stoner/hippie/hooligan and walked out my bedroom door. At JCP I saw all the brightly colored prom dresses, and thought, “Hey, I probably won’t be going to prom this year. No one in the whole school wants to go with me that the feeling is mutual or I’m too chicken and lacking self-confidence to ask anyone I consider out of my league. This is the majority of people”. So I just scoffed at the neon infested dresses and told myself I would never wear hot pink again. More or less that day was why I have begun my hatred of the color. Moving on, my haircut at Wal-Mart has proved a giant success…once I got home and re-fixed it myself. I seem to do that after about every haircut I get. I felt better after that because I like the special attention I get from the hairdresser, even though I’m sure they don’t like working with my hair that much.
We got home around 11 and I changed outfits like 3 times before I could even remotely decide what to wear to Beth’s party. One made my bulge rear its ugly head and the other had already been debuted at another party. I went a little unconventional and when I got there and stepped in the door, no one said anything. No one noticed or cared about the haircut or my odd outfit. Oh well, that’s not the interesting part.
The car conversations to and from Beth’s house were the more or less juicy parts. My mother still fears I am pregnant. She even flat out told me, “Tell me when you get your period so I can stop worrying about you”. And she was freaking out about the fact that Chris might be at Beth’s party, which is totally ludicrous. Beth and Chris just don’t mix that well, sort of like oil and water. But of course, my mother’s trust is something I don’t possess, so I endure all the backbiting and ruthlessness. It’s like something keeps reminding her of my mistakes, and she keeps reminding me, and I continue to feel like shit. Every car ride I’ve had today after Beth’s party, I’ve cried. It was getting ridiculous…but the second less dramatic/traumatic episode was more of happiness and thankfulness I guess. The same song played both times I was in the car. It had to be Him. It was “Forgiven” by Sanctus Real. And I can’t believe how it spoke to me…it made me feel so much better, even when my mother was putting me down. Then after that played on the happier cry, there was another song right after it, talking about how God knows about what’s going to happen to us even when we’re precious little children, blissfully unaware. It said something along the lines of “storms will rage and waves will crash around, but you will be safe, in My arms”. And these images began to flood my mind of God just crying…like in absolute despair. And when I wanted to know the cause of such a thing, I saw myself clawing my way out of His arms when all He wanted to do was hold me and keep me safe. It broke me, and I just couldn’t keep myself from tearing and choking up. It’s beautiful…
I went to Hobby Lobby to venture out for the face paint for our show. I only got some prototypes because I’m afraid it won’t work…and or the colors won’t be right. I also got some beads, including one glass pendant with a brightly colored blue flower on the inside. I hope that works out well. I’m not sure if I have the right sort of beads to complement it, or I could just go plain, but I would hope she wouldn’t like that so much. If she’s anything like I think she is, she’s a bit on the less simple side.
Shrimp with penne glazed with white wine sauce with asparagus and cherry tomatoes. I know one of you is really grossed out right now, and the tomatoes tasted a little fake considering they came out of a frozen food bag. Part of it got stuck in my teeth at one time and I was a little freaked out. I’m finishing up my evening with Julie & Julia which is turning out to be pretty cute.
I had a dream last night…Jeserae tried to sell us out to my mother, in the middle of some huge forest at a church camp/retreat. I remember standing in a drive-thru as well. It was odd babe, let me tell you.
Well I must get downstairs to avoid my mother figuring out this isn’t my anatomy project which is due quite soon. Friday to be exact. Oh dear.
I love you Christopher Michael Parker,
MC
Friday, February 26, 2010
Day 11
Today we were on a two hour delay....Mr. Smith was surprised about the massive amounts of tardy people. He also dicussed the recent events of a rather old lady in a wheelchair getting pummeled by a drag car tire and dying. He said he shouldn't find that so humorous, but he giggled none the less. He also dubbed me a medal winner....take THAT Jarrod Edwards! Pre-Cal...wasn't as intense as I thought it would be. Hopefully I'm at least 5 points away from an A so I can go to math lab and finally bring up my 86 average in there considering we don't get homework grades or anything. Anatomy, we had a sort of surprise quiz, but I think I did alright (today was a brilliant day for me). We did some virtual surgeries, and I decided the human body under the skin is disgusting. I can handle the concept of muscle, bone, and blood working together in diagrams and books, but when you show me real life pictures, I vomit a little. Concert band....I can barely stand it. I'm SO far behind with all the cymbal sectionals we've been having during class, and being behind on the songs makes me not enjoy playing so much. It's a little selfish, I know, but playing the same song over and over again, and still not being able to play it, ticks me off a little.
I HATE WINTER. PERIOD. If I ever live in a northern state, I will literally slit my wrists (make a mental note Christopher).
I got to talk to him a little today via Ashley....I woke him up. :( It seems like he's skipping out on a lot of schooling lately, which worries me. Education comes first because it'll pay off in the long run. Especially if he wants to have a family with me. I don't even know if the career I take will be enough for us. What I'm interested in and what I'm good at, just don't seem to line up at all. I'm going to be one of those undecided ones probably....(told you women are indecisive.)
Tomorrow I have an awful lot to take care of...hopefully. I need to get this all done tomorrow. Stupid Jacob H. doesn't understand that you shouldn't put eye black on your lips...you need black lipstick, like legit stuff. Black lipstick (which is what everyone else will be using) has a sort of purple-ish hue to it, and it's quite cool. Eye black will look totally different...and not awesome. After Beth's party, I have to find some way to get to Ashley's house to pick her up and then get to Hobby Lobby for the face paint, beads, and some family bandanas because I think shirts will be a little expensive considering no one has paid or even told me their size. One size fits all on bandanas....at least I hope. Aaron's might be too small because his cranium is so freaking huge (see what I did there? I avoided the "that's what she said" by using one of the terms I learned in Anatomy :D).
It's Taco Friday, so I'm quite excited and actually surprisingly hungry, even though I just bought a new bag of those Starburst jellybeans...I would not eat any other brand of jellybeans..maybe those odd flavor ones that sell at movie theaters, but not likely because after reading and watching Harry Potter, I don't really trust jellybeans all that much.
Winter, what are you doing? Can't you clearly see that it is spring? We weren't even talking enough for you to become attached to me....you are not on my list of potentials.
Addie and Tobias had a little standoff this afternoon. Toby is my sister's cat that we have to watch while she is moved to Holland. He has never seen grass before. Or for that matter anything outside her apartment in Boston. Maybe to the vet, but he was so much the king of that castle, they probably had the vet brought to him. So, Addie was perched on her throne on top of the love seat, and Toby had pushed his way out of the basement. He had wandered around, surveying his territory, until he got to the arm of the love seat. They were about a yard away from each other, and Toby stands up on his hind legs and starts hissing at Addie. Addie just gives him this scowl and she doesn't even bother to do anything about him because as soon as Toby hisses the second time, he high-tails it back to the laundry room, scared out of his mind. So as of today, the score stands: Addie-1, Tobias-0. Addie's a lioness, and Toby merely a house cat.
I hope nothing else exciting happens today or else I will surely not be able to handle it...much less write about it.
I love you,
More than you love me,
MC.
I HATE WINTER. PERIOD. If I ever live in a northern state, I will literally slit my wrists (make a mental note Christopher).
I got to talk to him a little today via Ashley....I woke him up. :( It seems like he's skipping out on a lot of schooling lately, which worries me. Education comes first because it'll pay off in the long run. Especially if he wants to have a family with me. I don't even know if the career I take will be enough for us. What I'm interested in and what I'm good at, just don't seem to line up at all. I'm going to be one of those undecided ones probably....(told you women are indecisive.)
Tomorrow I have an awful lot to take care of...hopefully. I need to get this all done tomorrow. Stupid Jacob H. doesn't understand that you shouldn't put eye black on your lips...you need black lipstick, like legit stuff. Black lipstick (which is what everyone else will be using) has a sort of purple-ish hue to it, and it's quite cool. Eye black will look totally different...and not awesome. After Beth's party, I have to find some way to get to Ashley's house to pick her up and then get to Hobby Lobby for the face paint, beads, and some family bandanas because I think shirts will be a little expensive considering no one has paid or even told me their size. One size fits all on bandanas....at least I hope. Aaron's might be too small because his cranium is so freaking huge (see what I did there? I avoided the "that's what she said" by using one of the terms I learned in Anatomy :D).
It's Taco Friday, so I'm quite excited and actually surprisingly hungry, even though I just bought a new bag of those Starburst jellybeans...I would not eat any other brand of jellybeans..maybe those odd flavor ones that sell at movie theaters, but not likely because after reading and watching Harry Potter, I don't really trust jellybeans all that much.
Winter, what are you doing? Can't you clearly see that it is spring? We weren't even talking enough for you to become attached to me....you are not on my list of potentials.
Addie and Tobias had a little standoff this afternoon. Toby is my sister's cat that we have to watch while she is moved to Holland. He has never seen grass before. Or for that matter anything outside her apartment in Boston. Maybe to the vet, but he was so much the king of that castle, they probably had the vet brought to him. So, Addie was perched on her throne on top of the love seat, and Toby had pushed his way out of the basement. He had wandered around, surveying his territory, until he got to the arm of the love seat. They were about a yard away from each other, and Toby stands up on his hind legs and starts hissing at Addie. Addie just gives him this scowl and she doesn't even bother to do anything about him because as soon as Toby hisses the second time, he high-tails it back to the laundry room, scared out of his mind. So as of today, the score stands: Addie-1, Tobias-0. Addie's a lioness, and Toby merely a house cat.
I hope nothing else exciting happens today or else I will surely not be able to handle it...much less write about it.
I love you,
More than you love me,
MC.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Day 10
I got to see him today....which was so marvelous, I could barely take my eyes off him to even focus (his fault, Mr. Palmer). I just figured out how hard this whole abstinence* thing is going to be. After practice (which was quite intense, I hope he liked my fierceness), he drove me back to the school where we got to hang out and talk. We were so...perfect. It was like the most beautiful blend of human relationships you could ever get. But even with that, we just get so caught up in ourselves, that we can lose sight of what we can and cannot do. I like it when that happens, but I can't really let that happen now, can I? Do I just have to play my parents' game and then after they approve it's back to business as usual? Or is it just to be righteous? I would like to see how far we can go, but I just have the feeling, that he'll get me to give in somehow. Or I'll want him so badly, I'll just have to have him....especially with Spartanburg* coming up. He knows what kind of influence he has over me, which could be very bad..or very very good.
About prom, I don't know if I can go with CJ because my mother knows about what he did to get Chris and I to hang out. Travis told my mother about him picking me up and taking me to the movies where we met Chris...and the afterward. She probably won't let me go with him so yet again I am dateless. I could ask a couple sophomores or something because my junior hopes are too high. At least high enough for me to want to go down a grade.
OOH! Before I forget, I need to ask him what Emily's (Hall) favorite color is. I want to thank her for all she's done to help him out, and I only know about one way to do that....so let me know.
I've been eating fortune cookies these past few days because I have up snack cakes and soda for Lent. I opened one today and I thought it was totally appropriate, and it would really rock if this were reality. It said "you will receive some high prize or reward soon." I entered this contest yesterday, and I would really like to win it, but everything's subjective when it comes to things like this, but....I really want to win. I doubt I will though. :(
I finished out my evening with my one of my favorite movies, and my mom asked me why I was in such a good mood. The excuse I gave her: exercise improves your mood. The real excuse: I talked to my best friend and true love today.
I love you,
MC
About prom, I don't know if I can go with CJ because my mother knows about what he did to get Chris and I to hang out. Travis told my mother about him picking me up and taking me to the movies where we met Chris...and the afterward. She probably won't let me go with him so yet again I am dateless. I could ask a couple sophomores or something because my junior hopes are too high. At least high enough for me to want to go down a grade.
OOH! Before I forget, I need to ask him what Emily's (Hall) favorite color is. I want to thank her for all she's done to help him out, and I only know about one way to do that....so let me know.
I've been eating fortune cookies these past few days because I have up snack cakes and soda for Lent. I opened one today and I thought it was totally appropriate, and it would really rock if this were reality. It said "you will receive some high prize or reward soon." I entered this contest yesterday, and I would really like to win it, but everything's subjective when it comes to things like this, but....I really want to win. I doubt I will though. :(
I finished out my evening with my one of my favorite movies, and my mom asked me why I was in such a good mood. The excuse I gave her: exercise improves your mood. The real excuse: I talked to my best friend and true love today.
I love you,
MC
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Day 9
Well, I got to talk to him today. :) Can't even fathom how lucky that was. I had SOOOO much to tell him about, but of course, I listened to him talk about making and possibly doing Spirit. I'm a little disappointed because I barely might be able to see him, but I'm so unbelieveably excited that I'm going to be dating a guy in a drum corps....and I'm glad that he realizes that he doesn't have long for drum corps compared to how long we'll be together.
I'm a little worried about next school year. I know, a little early to be thinking about that but it's really not. I have to decide whether or not I'm even going to take both band classes, much less try out for drum major. I would really like to take general or musical theatre because I always like to be a part of something great. I'm not sure if I should do theatre or drum major, because if I got drum major or even a lead role in the play we would perform, I'm not sure I could step up. I'm less of a leader than I thought I was. I'm more of a follower in the sense that if you tell me how to do something, I'll do it. Kinda like I'm a lover not a fighter, but I'll fight for what I love.
I've been writing some songs lately. I don't have notes for the melody, but I have them stuck in my head and I could sing them back. I can't be so sure what note names are, and I can hear the piano chords and parts moving around in my head. Maybe my special someone can help me out with those.
Oh and the best part about my conversation with him today...
He might be coming home to see me tomorrow. :)
Absolutely wonderful.
I love you,
MC
I'm a little worried about next school year. I know, a little early to be thinking about that but it's really not. I have to decide whether or not I'm even going to take both band classes, much less try out for drum major. I would really like to take general or musical theatre because I always like to be a part of something great. I'm not sure if I should do theatre or drum major, because if I got drum major or even a lead role in the play we would perform, I'm not sure I could step up. I'm less of a leader than I thought I was. I'm more of a follower in the sense that if you tell me how to do something, I'll do it. Kinda like I'm a lover not a fighter, but I'll fight for what I love.
I've been writing some songs lately. I don't have notes for the melody, but I have them stuck in my head and I could sing them back. I can't be so sure what note names are, and I can hear the piano chords and parts moving around in my head. Maybe my special someone can help me out with those.
Oh and the best part about my conversation with him today...
He might be coming home to see me tomorrow. :)
Absolutely wonderful.
I love you,
MC
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Day....whatever, 8 I think.
I don't want to quit over the summer. I'm not pansying out of this. I'm so proud of you for making Spirit and I'm glad you learned what's best for you. I will always be here. Spirit will not.
I love you,
MC
P.S. Having no cell phone and Facebook SUCKS.
I love you,
MC
P.S. Having no cell phone and Facebook SUCKS.
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