Day 12

So…I think overall, today was half and half.

Mother woke me up around 8 to go to Wal-Mart/JCP…basically to do some shopping and to get my hair cut. The waking-up-at-8 part didn’t make me very happy but I figured people had it worse off than me so I just sucked it up and got ready. I attempted to do my hair but of course, nothing could be done. I put on my fearless pants that made me look like a stoner/hippie/hooligan and walked out my bedroom door. At JCP I saw all the brightly colored prom dresses, and thought, “Hey, I probably won’t be going to prom this year. No one in the whole school wants to go with me that the feeling is mutual or I’m too chicken and lacking self-confidence to ask anyone I consider out of my league. This is the majority of people”. So I just scoffed at the neon infested dresses and told myself I would never wear hot pink again. More or less that day was why I have begun my hatred of the color. Moving on, my haircut at Wal-Mart has proved a giant success…once I got home and re-fixed it myself. I seem to do that after about every haircut I get. I felt better after that because I like the special attention I get from the hairdresser, even though I’m sure they don’t like working with my hair that much.

We got home around 11 and I changed outfits like 3 times before I could even remotely decide what to wear to Beth’s party. One made my bulge rear its ugly head and the other had already been debuted at another party. I went a little unconventional and when I got there and stepped in the door, no one said anything. No one noticed or cared about the haircut or my odd outfit. Oh well, that’s not the interesting part.

The car conversations to and from Beth’s house were the more or less juicy parts. My mother still fears I am pregnant. She even flat out told me, “Tell me when you get your period so I can stop worrying about you”. And she was freaking out about the fact that Chris might be at Beth’s party, which is totally ludicrous. Beth and Chris just don’t mix that well, sort of like oil and water. But of course, my mother’s trust is something I don’t possess, so I endure all the backbiting and ruthlessness. It’s like something keeps reminding her of my mistakes, and she keeps reminding me, and I continue to feel like shit. Every car ride I’ve had today after Beth’s party, I’ve cried. It was getting ridiculous…but the second less dramatic/traumatic episode was more of happiness and thankfulness I guess. The same song played both times I was in the car. It had to be Him. It was “Forgiven” by Sanctus Real. And I can’t believe how it spoke to me…it made me feel so much better, even when my mother was putting me down. Then after that played on the happier cry, there was another song right after it, talking about how God knows about what’s going to happen to us even when we’re precious little children, blissfully unaware. It said something along the lines of “storms will rage and waves will crash around, but you will be safe, in My arms”. And these images began to flood my mind of God just crying…like in absolute despair. And when I wanted to know the cause of such a thing, I saw myself clawing my way out of His arms when all He wanted to do was hold me and keep me safe. It broke me, and I just couldn’t keep myself from tearing and choking up. It’s beautiful…

I went to Hobby Lobby to venture out for the face paint for our show. I only got some prototypes because I’m afraid it won’t work…and or the colors won’t be right. I also got some beads, including one glass pendant with a brightly colored blue flower on the inside. I hope that works out well. I’m not sure if I have the right sort of beads to complement it, or I could just go plain, but I would hope she wouldn’t like that so much. If she’s anything like I think she is, she’s a bit on the less simple side.

Shrimp with penne glazed with white wine sauce with asparagus and cherry tomatoes. I know one of you is really grossed out right now, and the tomatoes tasted a little fake considering they came out of a frozen food bag. Part of it got stuck in my teeth at one time and I was a little freaked out. I’m finishing up my evening with Julie & Julia which is turning out to be pretty cute. 

I had a dream last night…Jeserae tried to sell us out to my mother, in the middle of some huge forest at a church camp/retreat. I remember standing in a drive-thru as well. It was odd babe, let me tell you.

Well I must get downstairs to avoid my mother figuring out this isn’t my anatomy project which is due quite soon. Friday to be exact. Oh dear.

I love you Christopher Michael Parker,
MC